Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize