Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
