The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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