Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
