I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize