I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
