Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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