From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
