best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
