So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
