He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
