Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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