And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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