I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
