so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
