So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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