Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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