I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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