i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
