Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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