He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize