if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
