Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The air was thick with penises
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
