i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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