i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I need water and some morals
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
