News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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