guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize