I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
