i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
