Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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