You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize