can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
