Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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