I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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