you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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