he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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