the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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