Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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