Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
