Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
