Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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