if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
