Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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