i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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