Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
