I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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