this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
