Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
