Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
