I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
