I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
This is not my ceiling
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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