Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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