I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
