Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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