The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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