I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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