Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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