i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
