he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize