Who did Billy Mays play for?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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