i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
