It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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