He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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