this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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